#ThingsFeministMenSay:

Women and feminists have to deal with incredible amounts of terrible misogyny and trolling in both the real world and online. Any negative feelings I have reading the hashtag #ThingsFeministMenSay are insignificant in comparison to that.

And this hashtag comes from that place. From frustration and anger that is created by the constant pushback radical women face when trying to push for rights, equality, respect and ultimately a change to the patriarchal structure of society. I sympathise very strongly with the emotions at the root of this.

I also think that a similar hashtag with different wording could be a powerful satirical and cathartic twitter thread. There are plenty of patronising men out there who think they can come in and lead the feminist movement, who don't see their own privilege, who attempt to tell women what their feminism should be. Hugo Schwyzer for example who was the straw that broke the camels hashtag.

Is that what I'm doing in this post? I don't think so but some may. And I get that.

Cards on the table I am a white, middle class, cisgendered, heterosexual man. I am, by virtue of my skin colour, appearance etc... highly privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't have gender based shame, that doesn't mean I haven't experienced abuse, that doesn't mean the patriarchy has treated me well, and it doesn't mean I'm not a feminist. I believe there are plenty more intersections than the clearest ones and that their are categories within categories.

It took me years and years to call myself a feminist; partly because I was brought up by feminists and had read a lot of feminist theory and that had led me to consider it problematic to do so. But after a lot of time thinking about it, and many after many conversations with female and male feminists I was persuaded to the argument that men could be feminists and began to define myself as one a year or so ago.

When I say I was brought up by feminists I mean that my mum is a feminist and my dad would define himself as an ally or sympathiser or something like that. He was born in the 1920's and has come pretty far in his thinking on gender and at 89 he's come about as far as he's going to go. My older sisters were feminists in the 70's when the movement was coalescing and their influence on me as a child was similar to the influence of aunts. My dad stayed at home in my early years and looked after me. My mum went out to work. Things changed when I was 8.

I don't know how's stepdad defines himself in terms of feminism but his effect on our household was as patriarchal as fuck. My mum was both main breadwinner and the person who did all the housework, where he hit me but not my sister, at one point my mum even tried to change her personality to a less "nagging" one. And all of this only began when they married. That flicked a weird switch in him and he changed. He fell into a milder version of his own childhood's pattern of working class Irish Protestantism where the sons were beaten by their father and the daughter was a Madonna who could do no wrong. I don't know much about the life of his mother but I think it's reasonable to expect the worst. The worst of patriarchy. The worst of humans.

After they split my mum had a breakdown. I was 12. During that time I spent long nights trying to comfort her as she raged and cried. She repeated the (pretty fair) mantra that men had ruined her life (she me in this assessment) as well as making other less gendered statements like wishing she had never had me. During that time (and the time before it when at the same time as becoming aware of my sexuality I listened through thin walls to their marriage falling apart) I internalised a lot of shame and guilt about being a man.

I didn't fit in to my new school. Partly because I was an English boy in Wales, partly because I was seen as a "swot" partly because I had non-conventional attitudes like opining capitalism and supporting feminism) and stood up for them. But mostly, I think now, because I was so raw and damaged from what was going on at home. Whatever the reasons it would be years before I would form close friendships with contemporaries. I was isolated and alone. I was given a new name by bullies. They called me Melvin. This name seems trivial and innocuous but its effect was not. It became what everyone in the school new me as.

I was scapegoated for the frustrations of the other children. The name would be jeered at me wherever I went. I would be kicked and punched walking down the corridors. I was spat on from above on the stairs or sometimes from the top deck of passing busses. Things were thrown at me. Occasionally worse things happened.

My "othering" was a constant thing that didn't end till I left school. A lot of the bullying was homophobic (despite the fact that I am straight.) The worst of it was done by boys but girls certainly joined in too. Once a girl held me down whilst two boys kicked me repeatedly in the face smashing my glasses.

But much of the kindness and solidarity that I eventually received came from girls. And the few boys who were also othered.

I may be in all of the privileged categories mentioned above but I have some experience of systematic abuse created by patriarchy and powerlessness.

That doesn't mean it's been as bad for me as it is for many others. In many other ways I have been lucky and privileged. For example despite stopping going into lessons in Year 11 to avoid the bullying but I still passed all my GCSE's with high grades because I was privileged to be able to pass exams easily. I am privileged so I don't get stopped and searched in the street. I am privileged because I have never experienced sexual harassment. The list goes on.

But grouping all men into one group and situating them asthe system rather than as a part of the system is problematic.

If I made a hashtag #ThingsFeministWomenSay and listed things Nadine Dorriessays that would justifiably outrage a great many feminists. Feminism itself holds many views within it. I hace been told I can't be a feminist or eceb an ally. But women also get told they can't be feminists if they are pro (or anti) sex work for example.

It saddens me that people I respect and want to stand with dismiss a whole group based on the actions if the worst of us. I understand that the burden is in men to prove to be better than that. The experiences of many women lead to this dismissal just as I once dismissed all the children in my school and over time cane to see that there were many exceptions. And that not all bullies were equally problematic. Some could be reached and persuaded round.

I don't mind if you consider me an ally or agree that I am a feminist. But please don't completely exclude me. I don't want to lead you. I don't want to make feminism about men.

It has taken me a long time to stop being ashamed of being a man. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel I can call myself a feminist.

Feminism doesn't owe my gender anything. Despite all genders being hideously forced into roles it is clear that women and trans people have been the greater wronged by patriarchy.

But I do hope we can all find ways to empathise across these imposed boundaries. Because we aren't that different.

My thoughts on this are evolving. I'm very open to being corrected if I am being stupid. We can try and check our privilege but we can't always see it so its important to hear feedback from others.

"My name is Dave and I am a feminist"

I wrote this for MA'AM


I've been told by a few women over the years that I can't be a feminist. I've been told by a few men too, but they were usually dismissing feminism so it was easy to dismiss them. The women were feminists though so I listened to them.

And so I called myself a feminist sympathiser. But then I met a man who called himself a feminist and listened to his reasons. And I had conversations with different feminists, who did see men as part of the movement. A couple of years ago I realised it was time to accept the truth, regardless of the grief it can get me into online, and in the real world:

My name is Dave and I am a feminist.

The feminism I support is one that tries to find both equality and peace between humans, where we treat each other as equals with respect, empathy and engagement.

I follow a lot of feminists on twitter. Many of them, because of the constant barrage of twitter misogynists, begin to think it is us (women) against them (men).

It shouldn't be. And really it isn't. This is just the way we've been divided against each other by patriarchy. We can only heal these divides if male feminists "man" the fuck up. By men standing with women and for women. It is time for everyone with sense to get on the right side of the war against women.

For godsake you have mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, lovers! How can you seriously consider them so different from you as to be lesser or purely sexual objects? Men who claim logic and sense is a male characteristic but spout this bollocks (consciously or unconsciously) are disproving their own statements. Logically we are equal. Look at the evidence all around you!

Women don't need this shit. You want to know why women who define as feminists seem so angry? Consider how you would feel in their place. It makes sense for oppressed people to react extremely. You want them to be less extreme give them reason to be less extreme. This constant barrage of abuse they get will never lead to understanding. Why not try listening?

If you don't want to listen for women's sake why not listen for your own sake. Because men are getting fucked over by the situation we are in too. Not as badly. But just as constantly.

Make no mistake feminism is all our concern. With an unequal society of fixed gender roles we are ALL forced into boxes. Those boxes are oppressive for both genders. Particularly non heterosexual or people with unconventional relationship set ups. Men are part of that. And both sides have to be involved to find peace for all. The privileged ones (men) need to give up their privilege. The oppressed ones (women) need to find a way to forgive all the years of shit. But you can't forgive a situation which is still ongoing.

I am a person who defines themselves as a feminist. Sure I will disagree with many people who describe themselves with the same term. But so what? If you find a feminist is pissing you off remember the first rule: Women are your equal. So it isn't surprising that some of them piss you off. Don't dismiss a whole movement and the wide variety of views and individuals it contains because one person says a stupid thing.

I make a podcast which is about conversation. About dialogue. If you listen to my podcast's back catalogue (and future ones too) you'll hear a few conversations with feminists (ambiguous and unambiguous female ones and male ones). You'll hear from the feminists who brought me up to understand that men and women are equal (and also unfortunately, in the case of my mum, told me repeatedly that men are toxic and that we have ruined her life.)

I witnessed my mother suffer at the hands of the patriarchy. I was bullied in school often due to my lack of masculine behaviours. I was given pink trousers to wear at primary school. I studied feminist theory first through choice and later through education. I have written fiction designed to be feminist. So I'm not going to lose my belief in feminism. Whether you will allow me to call myself one or not.

My idea of feminism isn't about men being bad or ashamed of ourselves or of our sexuality. It doesn't argue their are no differences between men and women. It argues that women are equal and should have full control of their own bodies and choices. That women and men should be equally represented in society.

My mums idea of feminism is similar to that when she is in a calm mood. Unfortunately when my mum gets angry and upset there isn't much thinking involved ;-) And before anyone says that is a female trait, it is one that I most definitely share. Sorry sexists, but take it from me, men can be illogical, over emotional and irrational!

I have two older half sisters who provided less complicated feminist role models growing up. And my dad is as much of a feminist as you can be as a man born in the 20's. He bought a lot of my childhood books from a feminist book shops. He supports the cause but you could argue he has a tendency to treat women as goddesses rather than people. He is a lovely guy though.

Being made to feel bad for being a man comes from the same place that women being made to feel wrong about themselves comes from. My mums rage came from a legitimate place. Her feelings came from years of complicated pressure from a patriarchal culture. It's one of the many ways patriarchy can damage men.

So do it for the women you love. And do it for yourselves. Stand up. Speak up. Become a feminist. You owe it to yourself.


Twitter: @goosefat101 / @GBApodcast
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