This morning shortly after waking up I was put into a coffin dead with a load of vampires, skeletons and Cleopatra but luckily I was found by an explorer employed by the Queen of Canada. This explorer explained to me that I was dead but she could make me alive. She had better do it quick because Cleopatra wanted to mummify me and she apparently takes people's brains out of their skulls through their noses with tweezers. That didn't sound fun so I was pleased that the explorer was also the Queen of Canada's chief medical practitioner. She slowly took me through a series of medical treatments (some of which also involved hairdressing expertise) which ended in major surgery to restore my facial expressions. There was no anaesthetic but there was a blindfold. The doctor plays the Sugerbabes when operating and has to apply perfume during procedures to protect herself from dying. These rings we're then applied to keep me alive. After a week they can be removed and I will be fully alive.
Apparently all this would have been solved quicker if we'd removed my beard.